Entry 114

I overshare on the internet. This feelslog itself is one big overshare. I feel almost compelled to overshare. Some folks may dismiss this as unjustified attention-seeking. May be unjustified to them. If they don't want to give me the time of day, that's their prerogative. I'm not out here begging for money. I do appreciate when others can sympathize or empathize, for whatever the difference between those two words is worth, but I don't think I'm entitled to it. I don't hold it against anyone if they ignore me or don't understand. I can only blame them if they spread their misunderstanding / ignorance to others for nefarious or spiteful reasons. I currently have no evidence that anyone has done this, though, nor have I gotten any intuitive vibes from anyone that anything like that is going on.

When I ask myself why I overshare, the reasons that come to mind are loneliness, wanting to be understood, wanting to seek connection with like-minded people -- even if only on this digital medium, but potentially in-person as well. Why is being understood important to me, and why do I seem to make a bigger deal out of it than "normal" people? The answer that comes to mind is that I feel that I'm less likely to be rejected if people understand me, and more likely to be appreciated for who I am by people who resonate with me. Unlike "normal" people, I don't have a group a friends I trust and resonate with IRL. I feel like I'm kind of stranded on an island and my oversharing is tantamount to shooting out flares. There is also some learned helplessness when the flares go unseen. My inclination is to send out more flares.

I've met and interact with many cool people online who are mutual friends/followers, and they have been supportive of me. They see and respond to the flares. There is still a distance between myself and them, so it's not a perfect substitute for close friends I can confide in, but it's all that I can feasibly find at this time. My oversharing is also a compensation for this lack of close confidants.