Entry 123
I feel like crying but I'm unable to muster tears. I've described this before as like dry-heaving but for crying. I'm feeling pessimistic about my future.
The Canonical Academy system administrator track sounds like a promising path to validate my skills for employment. It's also much less pricey than other certifications. I can also apply to be a tester for their pre-release exams for free and still get the Canonical SysAdmin badge. This won't guarantee that I'll get a steady remote sysadmin job with a stable income, but it will certainly improve my prospects. One thing I'm worried about is my lack of industry experience. Hopefully the Canonical SysAdmin badge will make up for some of that, but it's not exactly the same as actual years of experience working an actual job in the industry. I think my soft skills are okay. My social phobia and speech disabilities might be an obstacle in interviews and audio/video sessions. I think I've naturally compensated for this somewhat by being proficient in written, text-based communication methods. I don't like having to hope that potential employers wouldn't mind that I only communicate in text, except for the purpose of verifying my identity, or just brief, non-complex, orientation-like video sessions. Or if we have, say, a team meeting in Zoom or something, that they would be okay with me not being able to contribute much to the meeting, or if there is a way to type my responses in the chat instead of speaking. I don't know how that works at companies generally. I know a lot of companies use platforms like Slack for team communication.
Another thing that's been making me sad lately is that I don't have a significant other. I don't really see a feasible path to finding one. I don't have a regular group of friends through which people tend to meet their significant others. I'd be a complete stranger no matter where I go. Finding a significant other through online dating sites has never panned out. I'm not much for going out to bars or anything. I'm also kind of not sure if I even have the spoons for the extroverted aspects of a relationship, like meeting her parents, family, and friends. I wouldn't mind going on dates in public, but my agoraphobia and social phobia makes that uncomfortable, so I wouldn't be able to enjoy it to the extent that I'm supposed to.
To end on a positive note, I went for a nice walk today, and it felt good. Tomorrow I'm going to visit my grandpa, and then on Wednesday I'm going to the city to stay by my grandma for a few days. It will be nice to have a change in environment, and she might need help packing or moving things because I think she's getting the ball rolling with moving to a more accessible place, close to my house out in the suburbs. It will also give me an opportunity to soak in the nostalgia and childhood memories of her house before she sells it. I might do some writing in my memory journal.